you want me to do what?

If the world abuses me I am a match for that, I begin to like it. It may fire all its big guns at me; I will not return a solitary shot. [Ill] just store them up and grow rich upon the old iron.
Charles Spurgeon


I think my brain may explode; you may want to stand back at any moment you could be covered with blood, gray brain matter and other yucky stuff.

I have been doing a lot of praying, reading, crying, praying reading lately. It just seems like it takes so much to fill me back up I was going to say spiritually but truthfully spiritually, emotionally and every other way. I seem to have so many questions and so few answers. I keep searching and searching, it seems every answer leads to more questions. Life is a fight and is not easy. Okay I can handle that I have had to fight my entire life. I always assumed victory, if God be for us who can be against us. But the question I have been asking myself a lot lately, is have I quit fighting?

I threw my hands up in the air and shouted God what do you want from?

His answer was everything you got.

Who am I? What do I have? You want everything I got I have tears do you want my tears? I have a broken heart and a body that doesn’t quite work right. All that I am is crying out to you ANSWER ME! What do you want?

My child I want your willingness, I want your yes when I call.

God I really don’t know if I can do this one, I am so torn I don’t know what side to choose, I don’t know what he answer is? I need to know the answer God.

My child the answer has always been love. Love me and love my people.

God I do love you!

Then love my people!

But God that is what has my heart torn in 2. What if I am not capable of loving everyone?

Then let me love them through you.

That still involves me and my first instinct is to fight, when pushed to push back and push hard. Make sure they think twice before crossing me again. God I really need you to take this one.

Then let go.

God that is so hard, maybe I can fix it. I want to fix it.

It is not yours to fix but you can love and let me do the fixing.

But I am hurt I am jaded, can you have someone else do the love thing.

I choose you!

But

Love my people all my people.

Is my heart that big?

I made your heart I know what it can handle.

I guess I have to put my heart in your hands?

Yes,

But it is the only heart I have.

My child do you trust me?

Yes Lord, you know I trust you.

Then trust me with your heart.

All of it?

Yes all of it.

I don’t think you will like all of it.

Then let me change the parts I don’t like.

I am here and I surrender God, I surrender.

Remember my child remember how much ILOVE YOU AND REST IN MY LOVE.